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While listening to a recent Radiolab podcast, Elizabeth Gilbert  (Yes, of Eat, Pray, Love  fame), spoke of a conversation she had with TomWaits (!!) when she was working as a journalist.

As an inspiring writer, Gilbert was curious about Waits’ creative process and asked him to reveal his creative regiment. His response; creativity sometimes just needs to be “bullied” a little.

[Tom Waits] spoke about the creative process, I think, more articulately than anyone I have ever heard. He was talking about how every song has a distinctive identity that it comes into the world with, and it needs to be taken in different ways. He said there are songs that you have to sneak up on like you’re hunting for a rare bird, and there are songs that come fully intact like a dream taken through a straw. There are songs that you find little bits of like pieces of gum you find underneath the desk, and you scrape them off and you put them together and you make something out of it.

And there are songs, he said, that need to be bullied. He said he’s been in the studio working on a song and the whole album is done and this one song won’t give itself over and — everyone’s gotten used to seeing him do things like this — he’ll march up and down the studio talking to the song, saying “The rest of the family is in the car! We’re all going on vacation! You coming along or not? You’ve got 10 minutes or else you’re getting left behind!”

Waits, according to Gilbert, had to come to learn that he could control his create muse. His epiphanic  moment came, of all places, while driving through LA gridlock traffic.

A  melody came to him and because he had no pen and paper and was of course, driving, there was no way for him to record his idea. At first, he became frustrated and angry, but then he looked to the sky and said to the muse;

 ”Excuse me. Can you not see that I’m driving? If you’re serious about wanting to exist then I spend eight hours a day in the studio. You’re welcome to come and visit me when I’m sitting at my piano. Otherwise, leave me alone and go bother Leonard Cohen.”

What a genius approach. Leave it to Tom Waits to have the nerve tell his  muse to please come back later.

Since learning of  Waits’ approach (which reminds me of Lynch’s meditation approach that I discussed in a previous post here) I have been changing my own routine to take small steps to control my own inspiraion. My first step was to actually start giving myself time for ideas to be able to present themselves to me. I live a tad frantically (especially lately) and seem to fill up every second of everyday with a project of some sort. Business is the only schedule I seem to follow, so my first challenge is to make time for ideas to come out. Following Waits’ logic, of course, I have not been particularly inspired as of late, I have made no time for the ideas to come. Only the really stubborn, “outspoken”  ideas would be able to have a voice over the last couple of months. The quiet ones have had no time to come forward.

I also reworked my creative space this week. My desk was always positioned in the middle of my room, facing an unfinished wall.  I put it there not because it was the best spot but because it seemed to be the only place my desk fit. Well, gradually I stopped wanting to sit at the desk. It seemed I sat, did the edits I had to do and then get up as fast as possible. In all my other editing space I always looked out a window. From an editing point of view this is the worst idea ever (monitor glare), but I have always made it work (thanks Huey PRO monitor callibration). I used to spend hours editing: I would play around in Photoshop and when I got stuck I’d look out the window or at my plants. With the desk against the wall this wasn’t possible.

Since moving my desk and making my workspace more conducive to working, I have been wanting to sit at it! Who would have thought! Though I may not be able to bully my creativity just yet, the fact that I am sitting at my desk and experimenting with my photographs again is cause for celebration.

I am not sure I am even close to being able to tell my ideas where to go, but having an inspiring space and resolving to give my ideas time is a pretty good start.

And with the desk relocation Zee can hang out beside me while I work!

Anyone else have any suggestions or thoughts on their own creative process?

Male photographer: Hey, are you a professional photographer? Do you have a website?

Spencer: Yes, I am actually an assistant to Zoey Heath (points to a small girl with a very large lens)

Male photographer: Oh.

Small girl turns around.

Me: Hey, how are you?

Male photographer looks surprised upon seeing such a large lens on such a small girl.

Me: Ya, this is my real job.

Male photographer: Oh ya, who do you work for? Do you go to Waterloo?

Me: Myself. No I am not a student. I’m a professional photographer

Male photographer: So did they give you the equipment for the shoot?

Me: No, the equipment is mine.

Male photographer: So who do you work for?

Me: Myself.

Male Photographer: Oh.

This is a very common conversation for me. Even when I work  high paying jobs, like weddings, and have the biggest and the best gear someone walks up to my assistant, who is holding the reflector, and asks him if he is the photographer.

Why is it so unbelievable that a 5 foot tall woman in her mid twenties could own her own business complete with professional gear and have an (male…gasp!) assistant?


Considering one of the most famous photographers in the world,  Annie Leibovitz, is a woman, why do so many men refuse to take a woman with a camera seriously?

Could it be because the industry is changing?

MWAC (Mom with a Camera) is a term I have heard a lot of male photographers throw out. “MWAC”, as a derogatory term, refers to the amateurs-turned-wannabe-pros who start part-time photography businesses shooting mostly children and babies, who make a living by undercutting real pros because their spouses have high paying jobs.

Of course, these “MWAC’s” are considered a joke within the industry and any woman carrying a camera (and especially anyone who is also a mother!) is automatically assumed to be a MWAC and must be taking “real” business from the “pros” (men).

However, after a quick “women photography” search on the internet, I start to see why some  male photographers out there are getting threatened. Woman are really starting  to have a professional presence out there (huzza!).  There is even a website that is “taking back” the term MWAC and using as a term of empowerment (yes subversion!).

Before everyone started panicking about all these “soccer moms” flooding the industry, the term “Man with a Camera” was something that used to come up a lot.

A “Man with a Camera” is typically a young to middle aged man who buys all the biggest and best equipment and uses it to take pictures of half or fully nude girls. These types of photographers used to be the joke of the industry, however since the moms have become such a threat to the national security of the entire photographic industry,  even these guys are off the hook and are free to look down on us (women).

This needs to change and the first step to making that change is for women to come together in support. I have seen, through my male assistant, how friendly men can be to their competitors. However, I have not once experienced this with any female photographers when out on a job. Usually, we just stare at each other and stake out our spots. I have never been approached by a female photographer and I think I have mistaken that for hostility.

So I am taking it on myself to show support for more female photographers starting today!

Here are some fantastic local photographers who happen to be women:

Storey Wilkins (who happens to also be a mother) has been in various publications and also named one of the top 10 wedding photographers in Canada.

Ilia Horsburgh a fantastic local photographer, who has won awards for her photography and will have her own exhibit in Aug 2011.

Julia Busato (who also happens to be a mother), is a kick-ass, strong woman and mother, whose edgy, sexy photography is anything but safe.

Girl Crimson ::: Alt Portraiture has a different take on portraiture. As she says on her facebook page,”Girl Crimson does not identify as a Photographer – she is an Artist and a Stylist and uses the camera to capture her visions.

Denise Belanger-Spicer one of my class-mates in the photography program at Conestoga, has fast  become a force to be reckoned with in the wedding photography industry!

Cornelia Klimek, this woman, blows my mind. Such a talented fashion photographer!

…these are just a few…there are so many female (and male)  photographers that I find myself regularly checking out and I really want to try to show my support for them, instead of partaking in the silly competitive attitude that is rampant in our industry. I used this quote before, but it has become one of my mantras, so I am posting it again:

“Taking photographs…It is a way of shouting, of freeing oneself, not of proving or asserting one’s own originality. It is a way of life.”

- Henri Cartier-Bresson


 

My rest of the winter.

I love you Lens Mill.

Such a beautiful morning.

Early morning Waterloo.

I have been experiencing a pretty intense bout of writer’s block as of late. It’s most likely because I have been so swept off my feet lately with taking photographs that I have not had time to sit down and focus on writing. Luckily, after V-Day, I will be able to take a bit of a break and hopefully my writer’s block will lift.

However, although I haven’t been able to write, I have been able to photograph (phew!). I spent a lot of January in the studio, cleaning, organizing and then, shooting.

 

It has also been a month of firsts!

I had my first baby portrait shoot this month. I never considered myself much of a “baby person,” but I was wrong. It was something I really enjoyed and I LOVE the pictures and more importantly, so do the parents! So bring on the babies!

Spencer Clerk and I also attended our first wedding show a couple of weeks ago. As with photographing babies, I didn’t think I would like wedding shows so much. I had heard they basically were meat markets where people packed in and haggled each other for the cheapest prices. I found it was not like that at all! I met some great couples and we just sat and chatted about their wedding. It was kind of like a cocktail party, except better because you didn’t have to make small talk (win!).

nerds.

Spencer's home-baked cookies!

Wedding album

Canvases

Proving to myself that I can enjoy the environment of wedding show and have people respond so positively to my photography, has really given me a push in the right the direction. It has further confirmed  that I am in exactly the place I need to be  and has prompted me to keep trying new things and embrace change.

Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever. . . it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything - Aaron Sussman

Resolution(s).

 

a photograph that was included in my first art installation for Broken City Laboratories.

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language. And next year’s words await another voice.” – T.S. Eliot

In the midst of all the “top tens of 2010″ that have been happening over the past week, I promised myself that I wouldn’t go there and instead, focus on 2011.

So, yes, this is a bit of a “resolutions” post, but since I don’t really believe in new years resolutions (change doesn’t happen over night – just because it is a new year),  I intend to focus more on reflection and wanting to see more good things happen in life in the coming year.

I really flourished creatively this year, getting involved in my first art exhibitions, challenging myself to shoot more varied subject matter like concerts and weddings, and I was lucky to travel to places with people who have understood or shared my love of taking photographs, thus allowing me to take some of the best photographs I have taken to date.

Concert photography has become a majour interest of mine over 2010

I started to view  myself as a professional photographer in 2010.

By starting  my blog in Jan for self-reflection and focusing on my own thoughts and artistic process, I began to work out where I wanted to go with my photography. Through chronicling my thoughts, feelings and creative whims, I began to see where I wanted to go, which  led me to  starting my website in September.

In 2011, I have plans to expand and fine-tune the business elements of my work, but I still want to remain true to my beginnings and keep the blog as a place for my own personal struggles and triumphs. I want to stay focused on what I need to stay creatively in tune and writing has become an important part of understanding that.

So I guess you could call it a “resolution,” to try to remain open and honest with myself through blogging.

Over the past couple of days, for whatever reason, all of a sudden, I am artistically motivated to edit everything that has been sitting on my hard drive completely untouched. It really is a result of my subconscious need to compartmentalize and finish EVERYTHING from 2010, before my brain can handle  moving onto 2011. It’s silly; it’s not like any of this has to be done now, but that is what OCD does. So I guess, without me even wanting it, my brain has decided that one of my resolutions is to finish all the random photographs from 2010 that I never had time/inspiration to finish .

So far, I have gotten through about a quarter of my photographs from Arizona. To see what I have done so far, go here.

 

I started editing my photographs from my trip to Arizona this August

 

Taken at a church around the boarder between Mexico and USA.

Taken in Tuscan, Arizona

Taken through a window of a closed down storefront in Cottonwood, Arizona.

One of the last things I want change and is silly and simple; to record all the films and books I consume over the year. I have such a terrible memory, but read so many books and watch so many films that I always forget what I read or watch until I get about half-way through it a second time. I have tried to keep a little book where I write it down, but I always forget where I put it, so out of sheer laziness, I am going to start recording it in the blog.

I read between 4-6 books at a time. Here is my stack that is bleeding over from 2010.

As far as films go, I kicked the new year off with watching the visually captivating Krzysztof Kieslowski film, The Double Life of Veronique on New Years Eve.

So to end, over the next couple of weeks, I will say goodbye to 2010, by updating all my work in my various portfolios and finally finishing photographs that have been sitting on hard drives for far too long. I look forward to what 2011 will bring, and look forward to evolving personally, artistically and professionally.

 

One of my first shots of 2011; taken New Years Day.

 

 

 

 

 

a change is gonna come.

“It’s like you got yesterday, today and tomorrow, all in the same room. There’s no telling what can happen.”

- Billy the Kid in I’m Not There

I currently in the process of moving over the past couple of weeks and while cleaning out my desk, I found an old journal of mine.I flipped through the first couple of pages, and realized it was the  journal I started while admitted to the hospital. According to the dates scribbled on the first page, I was there around this time three years ago.

Finding this journal was a startling experience. As I flipped through the pages, I could remember all the smells and sounds described in the sloppy, frantic hand writing. I remember sitting at the big window in the cafeteria for hours, trying to express feelings that I had so long repressed.

At the start of the book, the sentences are fragmented and short, mostly anxious observations or fears, with no time line or dates.

“Maybe I shouldn’t be here…when will I go…I just want some quiet.”

When I entered the hospital, I was so malnourished, exhausted and burnt-out, that I was unable to put sentences together. I had forgotten how to communicate as my own person, and although I could write a beautiful thesis statement on command, to communicate my own ideas, feelings or emotions, was a challenge. I very much so lost my sense of self and lived from assignment due date to due date.

As I recovered, I can see by the writing style in the  journal that my sense of personal language started to return. I started actually dating the entries on Dec 1st (about a week after being admitted). I can see my(former)self struggling with  a non-regimented existence. I have day plans written out and attempts to work on papers (ha! fool.) My sentences start to get longer and less focused on anxiety. The entries start to describe the other patients and how I felt about my environment.

“Peeling paint and scuffs mark the walls. The  hallway reeks of old clothes and sanitizer. Even if the chipped, pea-green linoleum floor has just been polished, it still has a dull trail left by the cleaning machine.”

As I have mentioned in previous posts, photography has been one of the best modes of recovery for me. Although it would be about a year before I started pursuing it professionally, I wrote about a longing to take pictures repeatedly:

“I felt so removed from the conversations and everything around me, but when I started to take pictures, I felt good and forgot about my anxiety.”

When  reading my old journal, I remember what photography was to me then. At the time, I felt guilt for not knowing how to use my old film SLR properly and how much I wanted a “proper” digital camera.

“I want to photograph. Looking at all these old photos from the 60′s makes me want do it more than anything. What are the odds that I will ever be able to afford the equipment? I need to start using that old SLR. I never remember all the little tricks of the thing. As soon as I am better, I am going to get a book and do it.”

The above sentence kind of makes me want to pat my(former)self on the head and tell her everything is going to be okay.

Reading through all these old scribblings, made me wonder how much my work has changed since then. The first (and most obvious) thing; the cameras have gotten much bigger and the lighting more sophisticated. I have had over 2 years of formal education and  a lot more on the job/ shoot experiences. However, at the core,  has my eye changed?

When I was taking pictures three years ago, I did it as a way of coping with the outside world. I used to see pictures everywhere. It was almost like a game. I would look around and frame things in little boxes as a way to distract myself from anxiety.

All the things that had caused me anxiety in the past, became my new visual obsession. I was drawn to scenes of urban and environmental decay and strange , surreal abstracts created by everyday urban scenes.

taken in Paris, France in Jan 2007.

 

 

 

taken in Paris in Jan 2007

Now that I don’t need to take pictures to mentally survive the urban space, does it show in my work? Have I lost something?

That is not an easy question for me to grapple with. Looking at my photographs over the past year, I don’t feel I have lost anything. I have more technical knowledge and have developed a strong personal style.

 

Taken at Starlight Lounge a couple of weeks ago.

 

Taken at Starlight in Waterloo a couple of weeks ago

Construction site taken April 2009

Toronto, Aug 2010.

Taken in Sarnia, Ontario in March 2010

Taken Nov 2009

Taken in Boston July 2009.

The above photograph, taken in the summer of 2009, means more to me then any I have ever shot. I am unsure why. Something about this image resonates with me; I look at it as a self – portrait. I have it near my workspace; it comforts me and reminds me of why I take photographs.

Looking over my photographs, I feel I still do have a lot of the same obsessions, but l am unsure if I can compare myself to who I was three years ago. I’m not that person anymore. I have grown so much personally, artistically and professionally. I do feel everything in my life has led me to where I am today and am great-full for the experiences I have had, even the ones that have hurt.

While I was in the hospital, I had a pot of very sensitive flowers given to me. During the day, they would be beautiful and full, but whenever I would go to sleep at night, the flowers would wilt and be close to dead by the morning. These flowers became my only concern. I would move them from the window at night and put them under a hot lamp until I went to sleep. My very first task when I woke up in the morning was to put them back by the window. On one of my last morning’s, I forgot to move my flowers from my  bedside lamp to the window and I thought I had killed them with my carelessness, but they came back the next day after a night under a hot lamp. I wrote when I saw they had perked back up:

“My plant is  alive again. It makes me feel that I, like the plant, will be fine.”

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